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Five Ways to Manage Anxiety in the Moment

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Sun, 24 Jul 2022 15:38:25 GMT

... And why they work!

As I write this, I’ve picked up the boys early from school as it closed sooner than usual because of the heatwave (having had to rearrange my working day at the last minute), we’ve just had an email from school to say pick up for the last day of term tomorrow will be even earlier than today, and we don’t yet know the revised arrangements for the year 6 party that was due to take place at the end of their last day at primary school tomorrow (which means I will need to rearrange more clients, but don’t yet have all the information I need to do this...).

This is just the last twenty-four hours, and comes on top of the usual end of term chaos, additional end of term shenanigans that come with having a child in year 6, multiple transition arrangements and appointments for his new secondary school and planning childcare and work for the upcoming summer break. There are many balls in the air and I’m conscious I’m on high alert… I know I’m far from being the only one!! Here are some of my favourite techniques for calming stress and anxiety as it arises. I’d love to know if you try any of these and which are your favourites.*

1. Breathe

What?

I know I’m always talking about breathwork, but there’s a reason for that – it works!! It’s totally no frills, but the simplest technique is to breathe in fully and then breathe out with an extended exhale.

Why?

An extended out-breath soothes the parasympathetic nervous system and calms the fight of flight response, enabling you to bring your rational brain back on-line and hopefully engage in some self-compassion.

2. Put your hand to your heart and name what’s happening for you

What?

In moments of anxiety place your hand to your chest with kindness and name out loud what is happening – this might be “I feel anxious”, “I feel triggered”, “I feel worried”….

Why?

Physical connection through touch is soothing and helps to regulate the nervous system. Speaking out loud engages the medial prefrontal cortex which exerts a top down control over the amygdala, enabling you to calm the stress response, while also acknowledging the source of anxiety and allowing you to respond to what you need in that moment.

3. Change your perspective (temporal or physical)

What?

Physical: Step outside and look to the horizon.

Temporal: Consider what is happening to you right now that is causing anxiety or stress and imagine looking back at it from a point in time in the future.

Why?

Studies have shown that shifting into panoramic vision soothes your autonomic nervous system (you can replicate the calming effect on the brain of looking at a horizon and the body even when you’re inside by dilating your gaze so you can see more of the space around you). Panoramic vision helps to modulate the stress and anxiety that comes of being mainly locked in focal vision (for example, using a screen, reading a book, looking for something specific in a crowded space).

Temporal distancing , ie. Mentally time travelling to a point in the future helps us to disentangle ourselves from the emotional intensity of what is happening in a specific moment or around a specific event and helps to regulate emotion.

4. Release energy

What?

Fast walking, jumping, skipping, punch a pillow…. This is particularly effective if your anxiety presents as anger or frustration.

Why?

Anxiety can cause a build-up of adrenaline which is most easily released through movement. Movement also encourages you to engage with your senses and brings you into the present moment (see number five for more on this!)

5. Use your senses

What?

You can use your senses to connect with yourself physically & with your environment by using the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique.

Notice: 5 things you can see; 4 things you can feel; 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste.

Why?

Bringing your attention to the moment and your environment stops you ruminating on the past or worrying about the future (the two main causes of anxiety); by focussing on the present you feel more anchored and grounded and able to attend to the source of stress without feeling overwhelmed.

I hope this has been reassuring, if any of this resonates, do have a quick read of some of my other blog posts that you might find helpful:

How to support yourself emotionally if you can't access counselling

My emotional well-being course

What does happiness mean to you?

If you would like to be more focussed on how to spot where and why anxiety shows up for you, you may be interested in exploring my Emotional Well-being Course

As ever, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments.

*by the time I’m posting this, it’s almost a week later, and all of the things that felt so stressful in the moment have passed… exactly as I imagined it would when I engaged in temporal distancing and imagined this point in the future... give it a go!

What Does Happiness Mean To You?

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Wed, 07 Jul 2021 07:56:58 GMT

Happiness, joy, contentment – they’re such broad, subjective concepts aren’t they? I’m not talking here about just those “hero” moments – life events or planned celebrations centred around joy, but more the smaller, quieter times that provoke a sigh of contentment, a luxurious stretch or an involuntary gentle smile. The cumulative effect of these moments brings an over-arching sensation of happiness.

It does not mean of course that there aren’t hard moments, difficulties and sadness, and just to be clear, I am certainly not advocating a denial of these feelings, but the happy times can provide a buffer against the inevitable curve balls life throws at us.

Part of my work as a counsellor is helping clients shift their perspective on the lives they are already leading. When we are anxious, tense and overwhelmed our in-built negativity bias goes into over drive, encouraging us to only pay attention to the things that have gone wrong in the past and may go wrong in the future. Soothing our threat system allows us to view this bias with compassion, thank our brain for trying to keep us safe and invite it to stand down!

At this point we can start to think about what makes us happy and be more intentional about noticing these moments and actively engaging in activities that bring more of that feeling into our day to day.

Some ways to soothe your threat system are*:

• Mindfulness

• Breathing exercises

• Visualisations

• Mantras and affirmations

• Time in nature

• Connection with a loved one

*(I go into more detail about these in previous posts and in my free wellbeing week - I will put the relevant links at the end)

This comes with a hefty dose of realism – life can be tough in many, many ways and I’m not suggesting that by doing these things we will all suddenly be constantly bouncing along in bubbles of joy, but we also don’t need to make life harder for ourselves than it already is!

So what are the moments that make you happy? Here are some of mine:

• Cuddles with my children

• Noticing the flowers in my garden (the peonies and roses have been amazing this year)

• Drinking hot chocolate

• Sitting down with a new book or magazine

• A long chat with a friend

• Completing a task

I’d really encourage you to make your own list – even writing these few things down has made me smile. Once you realise how many things there are in a single day that have the potential to lift your mood it allows you to capture those moments.

If you are unable to find anything for your list at the moment, it may be that you would benefit from more focussed time, whether with a counsellor, trusted friend or family member to talk through your concerns and barriers.

When we are in a depressed state it is almost impossible to write a list like my one above, but it can be kept in mind as an end goal. If you feel like you suffer from persistent low mood do seek help. Once you are able to find a safe place to shine a light on your inner world, you can begin to notice subtle shifts in energy and engagement with the world around you.

Sometimes clients come to me having reached rock bottom - wanting to experience happiness, joy and contentment in their lives again but are currently feeling stuck and anxious. Beyond an exploration of what these concepts mean to them, is also a recognition that there are many, many steps on the ladder between rock bottom and their idea of happiness… every shift in energy, perspective and emotion needs to be recognised and celebrated to keep that momentum in a process that is certainly not overnight or linear. Even emotions that might typically be considered “undesirable” can be compassionately viewed as a step upwards. For example a shift from apathy to envy signifies a capacity to engage with the world; a shift from despair to anger allows for the possibility to explore deeper emotions…. developing the ability to take this view can help you to become more accepting of the spectrum of emotions you may feel and enable you to be curious about the root cause.

The presence and support of a compassionate listener can facilitate this process, but if you are not in a position to invest in counselling at the moment and would like some help in building this awareness around your emotions and putting together a wellness toolkit to support you in the process, you may be interested in my emotional wellbeing course - it costs just £35 and is packed with information, exercises and inspiration (you can find out more about it here ). Alternatively, you may just want a little nudge to focus more on becoming more mindful around your daily well-being strategies, in which case please do sign up for my free wellbeing week for 7 days of inspiration delivered straight to your inbox.

If you would like to find out more about the strategies mentioned in this post regarding activating your soothing system, you may enjoy reading the following posts which contain more detail on:

Mindfulness

Breathing

Connecting with others

5 ways to manage stress as the world opens up again

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 14:48:30 GMT

Out of the blue the other week I had an anxiety attack. It felt like a punch in the stomach as I felt light headed and struggled to breath. It took all of my professional training and self-awareness to bring myself back to the moment, soothe and reassure myself that I was not in danger.

What caused this? A text message from a friend about an after school club that I knew nothing about. Sounds totally innocent I know, but in that moment I was flooded with fear (had I not checked my emails properly?), panic (I’m going to have to start organising my evenings around activities again!) and guilt (I’m not on top of all of this and I’ve let my children down). It was a wake-up call that I’m going to have to bring to bear all of my strategies around self-compassion, intentional living, and anxiety management during this next period of our collective journey.

I know I’m not alone; so many of my conversations with friends and clients over the past month or so have been around this topic of holding joy and excitement alongside dread and trepidation. Happiness about seeing more of friends and family, but also not wanting to see people too much… Joy about the thought of group gatherings, but mixed with a touch of social anxiety and a lack of confidence…. Excitement that children can start participating in after school clubs mingled with dread at the increased admin and organisation this brings with it (you will have gathered this is my personal concern!).

So how do we go about holding these conflicting feelings? How can we get back to “normal” without sacrificing the aspects of our life that we have developed over the past year that feel like things we might want to hold onto?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Try not to do too much at once . Pace yourself - socialising is likely to be tiring! we’re out of practice at making arrangements, conversing and being around other people for any length of time. Try to pause before accepting invitations, however tempting it is to rush in and make up for lost time; consider the overall balance in your week before committing to something.

2. Be intentional about the activities you re-commit to and really question your motivation. To make deliberate choices you will need to be honest about your insecurities and challenge them if you feel they may be rooted in an outdated narrative.

3. Have honest family conversations about what you would all really LIKE to do and why – consider long term benefits, life skills, quality time with friends and family and allow yourself to prioritise – you might not need to do everything all at once.

4. Don’t expect too much of yourself. Many of us remain exhausted from the past year, finances may be limited, and some childcare options are still not available. Give yourself permission to consider your position, your instincts and your emotions with compassion.

5. Put in place strategies to support your wellbeing and resilience as we move forward. What do you need to prioritise? For me it’s sleep, regular exercise and time and space to journal, meditate or read. Decide what your non-negotiables are and build them into your life as you would any other commitment.

I hope this has been reassuring, if any of these resonates you might find it helpful to have a quick read of some of my other blog posts:

How to support yourself emotionally if you can't access counselling

Helping children with big emotions

Resilience and self-esteem strategies for families

If you would like to get support and strategies as you consider a way forward - based in self-awareness and compassion and that feels more aligned with your values, you might be interested in my Emotional Well-being Course .

As ever, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments, and remember to follow me on social media for regular bitesized well-being inspiration!

My Emotional Well-being Course

Sun, 24 Jan 2021 18:27:45 GMT

Over the past year I’ve noticed a significant increase in interest in emotional and mental well-being theories, techniques and strategies. I think living with a global pandemic and the intensity of emotional pressure that entails, has made us all aware of how precious our well-being is – both physical and emotional.

Many people are now aware that their mental health is perhaps more fragile than they have previously realised and it’s not always clear what to do about this.

Largely in response to this need and an increased demand for counselling services, I have developed an emotional well-being course . I wanted to create something that people can use to learn more about their own mental health and develop a toolkit to support themselves emotionally.

I’m aware that there are many, many great books, magazines, social media accounts, blog posts and podcasts that offer valuable information and guidance, but it can take a lot of time to read through everything, and there can be a bewildering and overwhelming amount of information. I have used my experience as a professional counsellor to create a programme that simplifies the process, and removes the “research well-being ideas” item from your to do list!

My emotional well-being course takes you through the stages of a counselling process, from goal setting and making links with unhelpful or outdated behaviour patterns, to challenging your inner critic, building up self-compassion and ultimately putting together strategies that will support you emotionally moving forward.

I don’t believe that any course can replace in-person therapy, but I do know that many people can’t afford it, don’t have the time, or are unsure whether they are quite “in that place” yet. This course costs less than one counselling session, consists of 4 self-paced modules, and is the perfect foundation for your journey to increased self-awareness and emotional wellbeing.

Here is a quick breakdown of what to expect in each module:

Module 1

In the first module we will be looking at practical ways you can support yourself through this process and what you’d like to get from it.

Module 2

In the second module I invite you to look back at your childhood and recognise ways of being that are rooted in patterns established in childhood that are no longer helpful to you.

Module 3

In module three you’ll be catching your inner critic, noticing those moment when you treat yourself with less compassion than you would like.

Module 4

In the final module you’ll be considering ways of supporting yourself in the transformations you would like to make going forward and putting together an emotional wellbeing toolkit.

Throughout the course I’ll be introducing concepts and inviting you to complete tasks which will increase your understanding of where your thoughts and feelings come from, but alongside that I’ll be sharing techniques and strategies that you can easily incorporate into your daily life to support your emotional well-being in a way that feels right for you.

I’ve put together a list of FAQs , but if you do have any questions that are not on the list please feel free to drop me an email or a message on social media.

Click To Paste

How to support yourself emotionally if you can't access counselling

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 18:46:31 GMT

My top 5 ways to increase your
emotional well-being

I strongly believe that mental health support services should be as accessible as possible, but I’m also aware that with increased pressure on free therapeutic services and rising unemployment there is simultaneously a greater demand for counselling and fewer people who can afford the private route.

Even if it’s not a matter of finances, with households spending more time together working from home, it may be hard to find a regular time to commit to counselling away from other family members or when access to childcare is limited.

You may also be feeling the effects of the loss, trauma and constant change during this year, but not really know if you’re in a place where you feel “bad enough” to access counselling (that’s a whole other blog post, but I’ll leave that there for now...!)

Here are t he five top ways that I encourage my clients to explore to suppor t themselves outside of our sessions, and ways that I continue to support myself emotionally:

1. Journaling
Labelling emotions and acknowledging traumatic events is a cornerstone of the counselling process. Alongside these benefits, journaling can help to organise thoughts, make sense of trauma and lighten the mental load. There’s no right or wrong way to journal – you might like to set aside a regular time – daily, weekly or monthly or just use it to make sense of a situation when you feel the need. Similarly there is no prescription when it comes to what to write (or indeed whether to hand write, type or even speak) – let your thoughts flow and see what happens.

2. Meditation

This can feel like one thing too many when you are already feeling overwhelmed, but even e few moments of stillness can send a signal to the brain that you are worth taking care of.

3. Movement

I could go on and on and on about the benefits of all sorts of movement. But whatever you prefer doing – running, stretching, walking, yoga, online workouts or gardening, there is nothing quite like moving your body in some way to lift your mood and energy levels. When you are feeling low I know this feels like the very last thing you want to do, but if you manage to summon the energy to start I promise it will be worth it.

4. Gratitude

It can be hard to feel grateful when life is quite frankly rubbish sometimes, but alongside the critical importance of acknowledging difficult emotions is the awareness of counter balancing them with more positive observations. This can help to temper our inbuilt negativity bias and lead to a more optimistic take on life . A gratitude practice is one of the easiest ways to do this. By intentionally focussing daily on things we are grateful for, our brains get a hit of dopamine and strengthen the neural pathways to create a more positive and grateful outlook .

5. Routine and rituals

Routine and rituals can help us feel grounded and reassured in uncertain times. Whether it’s starting or ending your day in the same way, using scent or movement to evoke an emotion or sensation – moments that anchor us in the hear and now can be supportive when life is at its most challenging. Consider what you already do – you may be surprised at how many rituals you already incorporate into your day to day. See if you can find a way to intentionally develop them and elevate them into an emotionally supportive practice. It can be easy to get stuck in routines as well, so it’s important to regularly assess whether the structure to your day is still working for you – life events, priorities and seasons all change, so it makes sense that our needs will change too.

I know some of you will be rolling your eyes at this point and thinking “how on earth am I going to fit this in” or “I’ve tried all of these but can’t stick to them”....

...I get it!

My suggestion is to start small, really really small and piggy back it to another habit… set yourself up to succeed and then build up from there. Here are some examples:

Instead of setting aside half an hour with the intention of writing pages and pages each day, grab a block of post it notes and each morning with your cup of tea write one word that comes to mind that feels significant.
Instead of planning to do a daily 10 minute meditation, commit to doing 2 mindful breaths with your hand on your heart or your tummy before you clean your teeth.
Instead of trying to schedule in hours of exercise each week, try practicing a yoga pose, doing some star jumps or a couple of press ups while your shower warms up.
Instead of buying a special notebook and allocating a time to start a gratitude practice, take it in turns at the dinner table to each think of something you are grateful for, or if you live alone speak it out loud while you dish up a meal.
Instead of sticking rigidly to routines that you feel you “should” do or that you’ve heard are a good idea from other people, give yourself permission to experiment and adjust to what suits you and your unique situation.

You will gravitate towards some of these more than others, and may find that as you try them and develop them in a way that feels supportive you, you either regularly practice one or two, or use them all as a foundation for a mental health toolkit.

I really hope this has given you some ideas for feeling more confident about taking control of your emotional well-being.

If you would like more guidance and further support you might like to consider my self-paced emotional well-being course which I will be launching shortly – it costs less than one counselling session and guides you through your own journey of self-awareness and transformation.

Sign up to my newsletter for more information and a special offer when it launches (making it even more cost effective!). As ever, if you have any questions or comments do get in touch via email , Instagram or Facebook .

Back to School 2020

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Fri, 21 Aug 2020 06:26:17 GMT

How I am supporting my children and myself in navigating this next phase

My boys, like many children, will be returning to school in September for the first time in over 5 months. And I, like many parents, am feeling a wide range of responses to this.

On the one hand, I’m looking forward to knowing that they are once more experiencing life and receiving an education alongside their peers; and I am looking forward to having time and space for my own pursuits, without the inevitable interruptions and demands that are part and parcel of sharing life with a 7 and 9 year old.

On the other hand, I'm feeling a sadness that this time with them, with its ups and downs and rollercoaster of emotions will be coming to an end. While I cherish the idea of peace, I know the reality of a quiet house will be an adjustment, just as I anticipate being surrounded by a crowd will be an adjustment for them.

There are no absolutes and no certainties in this next period of change, which is unsettling. So, while I am trying to hold my own paradoxical emotions, how can I best support my children as they prepare for this next phase, and experience their own conflicting feelings?

I’m going to run through my approach, in the hope that it can support other families facing a similar situation.

1. I’m going to share my feelings with them and model that it’s OK to feel sadness and joy at the same time

I will talk to them about how I am feeling about the start of term, and in this way help them to develop a vocabulary for their own emotions. I will draw on my experience of starting new things and talk about where in the body I might sense an emotion. In this way they can continue making connections between their physical sensations and their emotions so that they can put in practice the mindfulness techniques that we have explored together.*

2. I will get us all into a routine over the next couple of weeks that supports their physical and mental health for a school day

I know that my children are better able to cope emotionally if they are well rested physically. During the past month, especially during the hot weather, bedtimes have become a bit later. This didn’t matter when we’ve had the luxury of lazy mornings and opportunities for rest in the day, but come September, mornings will be anything but lazy and days will be far from restful, and now is the time to prepare for that.

3. I am talking about school and allowing space for the feelings they have around that

Now that we know a bit more about how the start and end of the day will be organised, I’m discussing this and talking through the practicalities. And while we’re looking through uniform and buying school shoes, this gives them the opportunity to get used to the idea that school really will be starting, and to talk about all aspects of what they are expecting and their feelings around that.

4. I am making sure I spend extra time on my own with each of them

I believe that connection is the key to the majority of parenting challenges. Letting them know they matter, that you want to spend time with them and that their feelings are valid, is the biggest investment a parent can make in their child’s mental well-being. This isn’t always easy, and we’ve kind of taken for granted this time all together. Now is the time to re-establish those individual connections.

Similarly, I am making sure I take care of myself…

- I know that regular exercise and early nights suit me as well as the boys!

- I have intentionally stepped back from work for the next couple of weeks so that I can focus on having special time with the boys without feeling conflicted in my commitments.

- I am allowing my feelings, as uncomfortable as they sometimes are – my grief process for the end of this phase, as well as my eager anticipation of it. I know that if I allow, and stay with my sadness in the moment it will not overwhelm me. Whereas I know that if I push away feelings that are difficult for me to sit with, then they are likely to come out in ways that are more damaging (for example, irrational irritability with those closest to me, or numbing with Netflix - leading to an unhelpful cycle of late nights and bleary mornings).

Taking care of myself in this way gives me the best chance of being able to support them over the coming weeks.

As ever I encourage you to be kind to yourself - just as the start of lockdown threw us all into an unprecedented situation, emerging further from it and adapting to this version of normality also comes with significant practical and emotional challenges. View yourself and others with compassion as we all muddle through this new chapter together, and trust that your love and wisdom will help your child navigate new challenges.

I hope you have found this blog post reassuring, if you would like to know more about how to support your children on their return to school, you might like to read a post I wrote when years R, 1 & 6 returned before the summer holidays which you can find here .

Perhaps during the summer you have thought about counselling but maybe not had the time or space for it; September might offer you more of both! I am opening up more availability for counselling via zoom and have a limited number of face to face appointments. If you would like to explore the possibility of the kind of support counselling can offer, please do get in contact.

*if you would like to learn more about helping your child through mindfulness, I have many blogs that look at this, and would recommend at this point looking at some easy breathing techniques in this post about helping children manage big emotions.

How to Manage Apathy

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Mon, 08 Jun 2020 06:22:56 GMT

Apathy: causes and strategies to move forward

“I can’t be bothered…”, “I just can’t motivate myself…” – sound familiar?

Have you recently looked at your list of things to do and struggled to get started with anything? Have you sat down in front of the television to watch one episode, and three episodes later not yet moved off the sofa? Have you started the day with good intentions, but found yourself unable to start anything?

If so, you may be suffering from apathy. Apathy is a lack of compelling emotion to take action. Psychological research has shown that to take meaningful action you need to experience feelings about it. Apathy means you just don’t feel enough in that moment to move forward with purpose.

I think if we have a quick look at the causes of apathy* it may become apparent why so many of us are feeling unmotivated at the moment:

A major life or global event: when an even happens that we hadn’t anticipated, the distress caused can be so overwhelming it manifests as apathy. We can feel demoralised, pessimistic and maybe even cynical.

A boring routine: when we feel like every day is the same, that Groundhog Day experience can wear us down and make us feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. Apathy can make us give up on creating joy or chasing dreams.

Being overwhelmed: sometimes rather than the routine being boring, we can feel overwhelmed, this can lead to indifference or a lack of energy as we don’t know where to start or feel like any effort we make will only effect minimal progress or change.

Anxiety: this is very often the primary cause of apathy – emotional fatigue, loss of happiness, difficulty enjoying yourself and low serotonin (the happy hormone) are all signs of anxiety that can translate into apathy.

Most of us are experiencing at least one of these at the moment, which would explain why I am hearing time and time again how hard it is for people to motivate themselves.

So what can we do about it? I think anyone who has experienced apathy will agree that it becomes a bit of a vicious cycle. The less you do, the more there is to do, so the more overwhelmed and anxious you feel which leads to apathy and doing less… and so it goes on (with slight variations!)

The first thing is to decide what is the easiest thing you can do to pull yourself out of this? Make a list of what needs to get done, or what isn’t working for you (even the act of making a list will be a slight shift), and then commit to doing one small thing on the list.
Think about ways you can vary your routine. Is it trying a new recipe, finding a new walk, starting your morning in a different way? An injection of novelty can give your energy a boost.
Goal setting can be helpful as long as it’s realistic and not too overwhelming. If it feels too big, break it down into stages and manageable chunks. The point here is to be forward looking and engaged in something purposeful
We’ve all be thrown out of our usual daily life over the past few months, so it may be worth looking back and remembering what brought you joy and made you feel enthusiastic before life changed – is there any way you can bring back activities in some way that made you feel alive and happy?

There are also things that we know reduce anxiety that we can all monitor to make sure they are a regular part of our lives, which may also help with apathy:

Keep busy – you may not be feeling energised, but keeping busy can distract your mind from anxiety. This is linked to goal setting and looking back to things that you have found meaningful in the past. This also gives us the opportunity to make new, positive memories that may help with apathy and anxiety.
Spend time with friends – now that we are able to go for socially distanced meet-ups, try to make sure you see friends in person if you are able and it is safe, otherwise arrange regular phone or zoom calls. Seeing friends is a major mood-booster and when we are anxious or apathetic it can be easy to cancel plans – try to make sure you keep those arrangements even if you’re not feeling like it.
Exercise – even though you may not feel like it, exercising can improve your mood, reduce apathy and give you a sense of accomplishment.
Professional help – if you are suffering and things feel helpless, there really is no need to do this alone. You can read more about how to find an online counsellor on my blog .

Above all, practice self-compassion, understanding and empathy. The task now is to quiet your inner critic and move past the negative messages you may have about yourself. Congratulate yourself for any small steps that you make; be gentle with yourself when things don’t go exactly as you had hoped, and celebrate your decision to move forward with purpose and in a way that feels right for you right now.

•please note that apathy can be a sign of some medical conditions, so these should be ruled out first if you are at all concerned.

Returning to school after lockdown

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Fri, 29 May 2020 05:40:10 GMT

Supporting your child and yourself as you navigate the next phase

Lockdown is easing, schools are starting to open up to more pupils… a cause for celebration! Or is it? We have spent the last ten weeks being told that staying at home, being away from other people is best for them and us, it would be impossible to manage a total mindset shift in the matter of a couple of days.

It’s important that we give ourselves time, reflective space and compassion as we negotiate the next phase. In this post I’m looking specifically at issues raised by the initial year groups returning to school on Monday, but in time this will become relevant for all of us.

Practical ways to support your child

Both you and your child might have some quite complex feelings about returning to school. It’s not too late to do some practical things this weekend that will be a way of helping your child prepare for their return to school:

Show pictures: if your school has sent through photos or videos of their new school or classroom set up, it can be helpful to share these with your child so that they know what to expect. If you haven’t been sent anything, you might be able to request a photo of the classroom, or show pictures from other settings that will illustrate the kind of changes you’re anticipating. This will remove the element of surprise, and also give your child the opportunity to ask questions.

Establish a routine: If you’re anything like me, morning and bedtime routines have become a bit more flexible over the past couple of months. Use the next few days to gently re-establish a healthy routine that works for your family. Going back to school tired won’t help anyone. This goes for you too - if you know you struggle to get going in the mornings, try and establish a routine for yourself - the last thing you want to be doing is rushing around and feeling even more stressed on their first day back.

Build on practical skills: whether this is tying shoelaces, doing up buttons or expert hand washing, skill mastery can give a child confidence and boost their resilience, it also gives them something they might be excited about to share with their class or teacher when they return.

Give your child opportunities to re-connect with their classmates both 1-1 and in groups - whether this is over the phone or on zoom or FaceTime - this will help them to remember and re-establish bonds that they normally rely on when they are away from you that may have dropped off during the past couple of months.

Put together a photo book or montage of things they might like to share with their teacher about what they’ve been doing while they’ve been at home. This again can give them something they are excited to share, as well as valuable time processing what the past couple of months have been like for them.

Ways to support your child emotionally

Help your child to name emotions and where they might feel them in the body. For example, I had to do something new the other day, so I told the boys I was feeling nervous and that I had a wobbly feeling in my tummy. Use your own experiences to normalise and validate their feelings

Ask how your child is feeling about going back to school - this may sound obvious, but sometimes as parents we can be reluctant to raise an issue in case we put ideas into our children’s heads. Rest assured that it is better for your child to have the opportunity to talk about how they are feeling so that you can reassure them, put them straight about what they might be expecting or empathise, than it is to avoid a discussion about their feelings

Acknowledge that feelings might be very mixed, and that this is normal. They may be excited to see their friends, but sad not to be spending time with you all day. They may be anxious about being behind in class, but looking forward to finishing off projects they started before schools closed. Children have a tendency to display “black & white” thinking - you can help them to accept that there are grey areas, again by drawing on your own experience of when you might have had mixed feelings about doing something yourself.

Don’t be surprised if your child starts to have physical displays of anxiety, such as disturbed sleep, tantrums or aches and pains in their body, or if they seem to need more attention or become “clingy” - remember that we have all been hyper vigilant recently about leaving the house and focusing on staying safe, and suddenly we are sending our children out of their safe bubble and back into the world. This may activate their flight or flight response, so practicing some breathing exercises and spending extra time together at bedtime or maybe some quiet reading time will let your child know that you are there for them and are taking their concerns seriously.

Your child may suffer social anxiety - after all, it’s been a while since they have been in a group of children. It is worth spending this weekend on some resilience and confidence boosting strategies such as positivity spinners or an identity frames (you can read more about these and other resilience strategies in my blog from a few weeks back)

Caring for yourself in times of change

for many parents, the thought of their children going back to school will be greeted with a mix of relief and terror in equal measure. There is the fear of the unknown such as how will the system actually work, how will your child respond, combined with relief that they are being educated by teachers again or that this heralds a sign that things might get back to some semblance of “normal”.

There might be guilt that you are looking forward to less home-schooling and time to yourself, combined with sorrow for an end of this time together.

There may be joy that your children get to be with their friends again, combined with grief about all the time they’ve missed.

Just know that all of this is so, so normal. Everything about this situation is unprecedented - so please allow yourself to feel your mixed bag of emotions without shame, or guilt… you might be excited and optimistic one moment, and sad and angry the next. Here are some things you can do to look after yourself at this time:

Allow and name your feelings - you might like to try writing a journal or calling a good friend you know you can vent at.

We can feel overwhelmed and anxious when we look too far ahead, if you notice this happening, try some breathing exercises or a short meditation.

Try to limit your media consumption. Choose a trusted new source to stay up to date with any developments, but try to avoid excessive news updates or scrolling through social media.

As I mentioned above, try to set up a regular bedtime routine. A soothing night time ritual can be a mindful way to end the day and promote a good night’s sleep, which boosts our own resilience and ability to respond empathically when our children are stressed.

And pay attention to the mornings as well - start the day intentionally - whether it’s yoga, meditation, stretching or journaling, this can make a huge difference to your ability to cope for the rest of the day (see my IGTV video on Instagram from Wednesday 27th May for some more of my thoughts on establishing a morning routine).

Helping our children to develop their emotional vocabulary, become aware of their feelings and express them safely and confidently, starts with us being able to do that ourselves, so if you need to reframe it in a way that gives you permission to take care of yourself, I would encourage you to see any time you spend on yourself as also an investment in your children’s wellbeing.

What if your children are NOT returning to school just yet

There is still a lot of uncertainty that comes with other school years returning before the summer break. At some point everything I have talked about will become relevant for all age groups, but I sense that there is a grief process that much of us will go through before and after that happens.

While grief is normally linked to a bereavement, it’s important to realise that it is very normal to grieve for anything that has been lost – in this case there have been so many losses: birthdays that couldn’t be celebrated with friends and family, friendships put on hold, relationships with trusted teachers disrupted, anticipated holidays and events cancelled, learning opportunities taken away … and of course there have been upsides, but it is important that in order to fully appreciate the gains, we allow ourselves to grieve for the losses that we have felt as individuals, families and communities. As well as thinking about the tips above, here are some additional ways that you can support yourself through this process:

Recognise that your feelings will not be linear. I saw a great image the other day with a “coronacoaster” – a great way to describe the ups and downs of our feelings at the moment. If you are feeling low, try to allow that feeling rather than automatically trying to replace it with a positive – you can’t make a feeling worse by noticing it, and by pushing it away, it may resurface in another way.

Repeat this mantra to yourself “my feelings are valid”… not everybody will be feeling the same way at the same time. You don’t need to compare your process or stage with anyone else’s.

There is no time limit or comparison chart where grief is concerned… try to avoid thinking you should be “over it” or saying “other people have it worse”. In fact, make it your goal to try and remove “should” from your inner dialogue completely!

Adopt the idea of “good enough’… this is so powerful for building up your self-compassion muscle. Perfection is impossible, but we can all achieve good enough and this can be surprisingly reassuring and liberating.

Sometimes you might not know what you’re feeling, and that’s normal too! If you experience this, try and get back into your body and see what it is that you need to support yourself in that moment – maybe a glass of water, feeling your bare feet on the ground, a stretch or a lie down. Give yourself permission to nurture yourself through this experience.

Supporting siblings who are returning at different times

The situation becomes more difficult when one child is returning and the other isn’t. You may need to deal with some complex and conflicting emotions between your children. All of the strategies above will help you to navigate communicating with you children, but here are some additional ways to support siblings who are returning at different stages:

There may be a sense that this is “unfair” from both of them – while one might like the opportunity to go back to school and see their friends, the other might feel resentful that their sibling has additional time at home.

Your children may feel anxious about being parted – 10 weeks at home together is a long time, and they will have established a way of being together that they both might find very difficult when that comes to an end

Listen to and validate those feelings; you can’t fix this situation, but you can show that you understand. Ask if they have any ideas as to what would make this easier for them, but also have some ideas up your sleeve such as:

Additional zoom time with friends for the child not going to school, or even now a socially distanced walk or for older children a chat in the garden might be possible.

More 1:1 special time with your child who is going back to school – maybe a walk just the two of you if that’s possible, or extra time together at bedtime – chatting, reading, or doing something together like a jigsaw.

Create a gratitude list or tree (see my blog for more ideas) about the things they have enjoyed during this time together – try to continue adding to it when one of them is back at school – this will help them to see not only that the things they are grateful for still exist, but also allow them to recognise that even though change can be uncomfortable there new things to be grateful for.

If your children are going to miss each other, perhaps they could write a card or do a drawing for each other – helping them to express the way they feel about each other creatively could help to strengthen their relationship even more.

Make a list of things you would like to do when you are all together so that they both have something to look forward to when you spend time as a family. Keep this list as something you can keep adding to. This might be things like a movie night, a BBQ, driving slightly further afield for a walk or ordering your favourite takeaway.

I hope this has given you some ideas of how to navigate the next stage confidently as a family.

Please do get in contact if you have any comments or queries about this, and of course I am here in a variety of ways to offer support should you need it.

Please follow the links below for further information:

Parenting Power Hour

Zoom Counselling (30min & 50min sessions available)

Mandala Inspired Crafts

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Sat, 02 May 2020 14:49:51 GMT

Crafts to soothe and inspire

I love using mandalas with children as they are incredibly soothing to construct - they can help quiet the mind, stimulate creativity and give children space to explore how their choices of colours or materials relate to how they are feeling.

Mandala is a Sanskrit word that means “sacred circle”. It’s symbolic of wholeness and unity and they are commonly used in meditation. Mandalas are often used as a therapeutic tool to encourage self-expression and self-reflection.

A really easy way to get started with mandalas is simply by colouring. I often print them out from www.mandala-4free.de as there are a huge range to choose from, but an Internet search will bring up lots of free printables.

This is a lovely opportunity to sit with your child and both enjoy some mindful colouring. Either sit quietly and enjoy the connection that comes with a shared activity, or use it as an opportunity to gently ask about their choice of colours or why they’ve chosen a certain pattern and how that might connect to how they are feeling. Check in with them after you’ve had some time colouring together - chances are you are both feeling calm - becoming aware of this will help them develop a sense of what they might need to add to their self-soothing toolkit.

Here are some more activities using the idea of a mandala as inspiration...

images for all of these can be found on my Arts & Crafts Gallery :

NATURE MANDALA

This is a great activity to start while you are out on a walk or in the garden. Collect bits and pieces that you might think would work to construct a mandala - you might like to talk about colour, shape and symmetry.

Collect sticks, grass, dandelions, daisies, acorns, stones… anything that appeals and that’s readily available.

When you get home, lay out a large piece of coloured paper (we actually stuck 2 pieces together) and construct in however you like, but trying to stick to the basic form of a circle and symmetrical patterns.

The act of deciding on length of sticks, arranging the pattern, making choices and laying it all out with care, makes this a really calming, mindful experience.

This is also really accessible for children who may have labelled themselves as “not very creative” as it has a striking effect without pressure as the components of the mandala can be moved about and rearranged as much as your child likes until they are happy with the end result.

STAINED GLASS MANDALA

This produces an amazing effect hanging in the window, and children get a real sense of achievement with the end result.

You will need: Card, tracing paper, felt tip pens, string scissors, a printed mandala pattern, glue or sticky tape

These take a bit of adult prep beforehand if your children are still quite young. The first step is to choose a mandala pattern. You then need to trace it onto the tracing paper. Older children might like to do this themselves, but depending on the pattern, you might need to do this for younger or less confident children.

Your children (and you!) can then colour in your chosen pattern with felt tip pens. Once completed, cut them out carefully.

Cut a frame from card to fit the circle shape of your mandala, and then stick the cut out tracing paper mandala onto it.

Finally attach some string and hang in in a window (we used bluetack to make a “hook” on the window)

SENSORY MANDALA

This is a lovely activity for allowing your child free rein in using all sorts of different materials. The act of handling and selecting will being your child into the present moment and you can use this as an opportunity to talk to them about how the different materials and shapes feel to them, how were they feeling before they started their creation, how did they feel after they had completed it.

Focusing on the act of creation is really therapeutic and offers your child the chance to create without pressure - the only aim is that they enjoy the creative process!

We used: feathers, marbles, pasta, shells, acorns and buttons

I marked out circles on pieces of paper and the boys filled the pattern.

Again we talked about the calming aspect of symmetry and the fact that they could trust their instinct in how they wanted to fill their mandalas - there was no “right” or “wrong” - just whatever was meaningful or pleasing to them.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the mandala crafts this week! Do let me know if you try any of them, I’d love to know how you get on.

If you would like support for yourself or for your family at this time, please do get in touch. I am offering a “parenting power hour” alongside 30 and 50 minute online counselling sessions .

Resilience and Self-esteem

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Sat, 18 Apr 2020 08:49:05 GMT

Helping your child to develop
a strong sense of self

I don’t know if it’s just the current situation, but I keep looking out for evidence of resilience in nature and finding it particularly reassuring when I see signs of spring emerging, and plants thriving in the most adverse of conditions.

I do think there is a parallel to be drawn here with our own resilience, and particularly that of our children. That’s my theme this week - how we can boost our children’s resilience and self-esteem, even in these times of uncertainty.

As a mum, I’m very aware that my job is to parent from a position of love, empathy and understanding, rather than fear, anxiety and paranoia. My job is not to shield my children from the ups and downs in life, but to equip them with the tools they need to respond to the challenges they will inevitably face.

There are strategies that families can employ to help their children to become adequately prepared for these challenges, and ensure that their sense of identity and self-esteem remain intact through the highs and lows.

Self-esteem and a positive idea of our own worth develops from babyhood; when a child feels safe, loved and accepted they internalise that view of themselves. Sometimes however, things that happen can have a negative impact on this self esteem - stressful life events, anxiety or sudden change can all contribute to you noticing your child lacking in confidence, putting themselves down or feeling lonely or isolated.

With your support as parents however, these natural dips can be levelled out, and you can help them increase their sense of self-esteem and develop more resilience in the face of future difficulty.

There are many suggestions that I could make, but given the current situation I would recommend the following as realistic, and a matter of priority if you are concerned about your child, or indeed for anyone wanting to reinforce their child’s positive self-image:

• Prioritise special time with your child/ren. This isn’t easy when we are all at home together, but have a think about ways you can spend about 20mins alone with your child doing something special together each day - laughing, talking and connecting. Whether it’s a bedtime story or cuddle, or if there are 2 parents at home, taking one child with you for special 1-1 time when you go out for a walk.

• If they criticise themselves or have a negative world view, gently challenge what they are saying - validate the feeling behind what they believe, but offer an alternative view or experience.

• If you are cross with them (and this is absolutely bound to happen!), make sure you let them know that you are unhappy with their behaviour rather than criticise them personally… for example “that was really unkind behaviour” as opposed to “you are so unkind”

• When you praise them be specific - whether it’s for a personal value or attribute or something they’ve done or achieved

• At the end of the day, perhaps when you’re relaxing at bedtime, have a chat about things that have gone well that day. Try to come up with three things together. This can be hard for children who are very negative about themselves, so modelling this and giving examples from your own day can really help this process.

Crafts to support developing identity and self-esteen

Positivity Spinners

You will need:

• Card

• Something circular to draw around

• Pens (and anything else you want to use as decoration)

• Scissors

• String

This is a lovely craft for talking with your child about what makes them special.

• Draw around something circular (we found a plate fitted the space perfectly)

• Then sketch a spiral in the circle, starting from the middle

• You can draw, write or decorate the spiral in any way that is meaningful for you - we started off with the statement: I AM… and then completed the sentence.

(My favourite moment was when my 9 year old said “the most important thing is that I am ME”)

• When it’s been decorated, cut out the circle, and then carefully cut around the spiral

• Finally cut a small hole in the top and attach some string.

• These are particularly effective if you can hang them in the breeze and watch them spin!

If you can sit with your children and make your own spinner as well, this will be a great opportunity to model recognising your own self-worth (and also remind your children how great you are too)

Identity Frames

You will need:

• A cardboard frame (either pre-made, or you could cut out one either from card, or maybe a cereal box)

• Pens, stickers, glitter – anything your children would find fun to decorate their frame with

• For inside the frame: paint (if you want to do hand prints), a printed out photo, or ask your child to draw a self portrait

These frames are such a lovely keepsake for the whole family. We chose to make handprints, but you could put photos or a self-portrait inside.

I asked the boys to choose printed statements that felt right to them to stick on, and then invited them to choose stickers and pictures to decorate the frame in a way that was fun to them; they had a great time choosing their own very individual, personal touches. Some children may need prompting to find positive statements about themselves. It’s worth having some printed out beforehand that they could choose from, particularly if you can let them know that they are phrases that came to mind when you thought of your child, and then ask which ones they agree with or do they have suggestions of their own. Some ideas are:

• I am brave

• I am resilient

• I am enough

• I am creative

• I am kind

• I am loved

• I am unique

I do hope this has given you some practical suggestions you can use to support your child.

If you would like support for yourself or for your family at this time, please do get in touch. I am offering a “parenting power hour” alongside 30 and 50 minute counselling sessions. Further details of all of these are on my website.

Kindness & Compassion - Crafts & Strategies

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Sun, 12 Apr 2020 08:12:42 GMT

My theme for the past week in my social media posts has been kindness and compassion. It’s so important for children to be given the opportunity to intentionally be kind and think about the significance of kindness. As with gratitude, the more we can practice this, the more natural to us it becomes.

One of the most fascinating things for me about kindness is that it actually produces a biochemical change in both the person being kind and the person on the receiving end of the kindness. I’m sure we’ve all experienced recently that sense of coming together on a Thursday evening in support of the NHS - when we are moved and inspired, and connect through shared experience and compassion, our oxytocin levels rise. Oxytocin is the “happy hormone” that promotes bonding and lowers cortisol and adrenaline (the hormones associated with the stress response).

Kindness makes a difference on so many levels - increased empathy, better relationships, improved self-esteem and higher levels of general life satisfaction.

Talking about kindness

Words are powerful! The way we talk with our children is super important when to comes to helping them develop secure attachments and a strong sense of self.

The language we use around children is absorbed and over time sets up a blueprint for accepted behaviour. So if we want to raise children who speak kindly to others, we need to speak kindly to our children and also to and about other people. When they absorb our kind, gentle, compassionate tone, this becomes a normal way of interacting for them.

Of course no one is perfect! We are all likely to lose our temper, say things we don’t mean or become hyper-critical of ourselves or others when we are under pressure. The key to managing these times is to use them as opportunities to reflect afterwards with your child about why you felt that way, what you wish you had said instead, and to model being able to admit you are wrong and take responsibility for your words and actions - it’s important for children to recognise that parents are human too, and that in your house, being able to say you are sorry and own up to mistakes is valued. It also normalises the whole spectrum of emotions, and helps to develop their emotional vocabulary.

When children learn to use respectful, polite and compassionate ways of speaking to and about others and themselves, this helps them to develop strong relationships and a positive sense of self.

Self compassion

This is a tough one for many, many people. Modelling self-compassion is however crucial for your children’s own self esteem and ability to display kindness and empathy for others.

So often unkind, less compassionate behaviour is rooted in our own insecurities, so doing our best to ensure our children’s sense of positive self-worth is a huge factor in how compassionately they are able to show up in the world.

Children learn from us most by the behaviour we model. If we are kind to ourselves - both in words and deeds - this models a way of being to our children and gives them permission to treat themselves similarly. If however we consistently give voice to our inner critic, have no boundaries in our personal relationships and don’t prioritise our own well-being, we are modelling a way of being to our children that says the same is OK for them.

If this feels like a huge ask for you, I would encourage you to look back on your own childhood - how did your parents talk about themselves, how did they model the idea of self-care to you? Consider the message this gave to you and whether you want the same for your children. This is not an invitation to blame your parents or feel resentful, but to consider what feels relevant right now? This doesn’t happen overnight, but is so worth the investment in our children’s resilience, empathy and self-esteem

This was brought home to me recently by one of my children. There had been some unkindness from another child at school; he was understandably upset and hurt, but his response was so powerful, he said to me: “I think he can’t be feeling very good about himself at the moment mummy, otherwise he wouldn’t be so unkind”. I love that he was able to see things from the other child’s perspective and not allow it to impact on his own self-esteem.

Kindness Crafts

Conversations with children about kindness might become increasingly relevant as the novelty of being at home starts to wear off, and the reality of being at home without the usual options for outings and playdates kicks in!

Crafts and activities that focus on the importance of kindness are a really nice opportunity to have discussions with your children about the values in your household and what kindness and compassion mean to them.

Kindness Jar - whenever I hear or see my children being kind I make a note of it and pop it in their kindness jar. At teatime I look in the jar and ask if they think they’ve done anything to help fill it today, and then I read them out the things I’ve noticed that day and previous days. This is a good time to encourage your child to think about what kindness means to them - can they think of other examples when they have been kind or when someone has been kind to them - how did it make them feel?

Kindness Cloud - this is nice for siblings to do for each other, or friends and family members or even themselves... don’t forget that it’s important that we remember to be kind to ourselves as well! My boys made these for each other - we cut out cloud shapes and wrote their names on it, and then added rainbow coloured strips with kind words about each other on them.... if tensions rise over the coming weeks, I’ll suggest they refer back to their clouds to remind them how they can feel about each other!!

Kindness Fortune Teller - I remember making these when I was at school, so it was lovely to have fun making them with my children!

For the “fortunes” inside we brainstormed what other people have done for us that we think were kind, and what small things the boys could do that would be kind to other people as challenges to write in them, as well as general kindness “mantras”. For example:

⁃ Speak kindly to everyone you meet

⁃ Help make a meal

⁃ Send a message or FaceTime a friend

⁃ Do something to make someone else happy

⁃ Give someone a big hug

⁃ Share a toy

These are really helpful as reminders about your family’s values and to encourage your children to think about what kindness feels like to them and how they can make a difference to other people by being kind.

You will need: square piece of paper or card, scissors & pens

⁃ Fold the paper diagonally to make a triangle, and then the other way to divide into 4 triangles

⁃ Open up and fold the 4 corners into the centre to make a smaller square

⁃ Turn the paper over so that the loose folds are underneath

⁃ Fold the corners into the centre again

⁃ On this side it should look like 4 flaps each made of 2 triangles - number each triangle from 1-8

⁃ Turn the paper over - there should be 4 squares - in the middle of each square draw a shape or picture in a different colour

⁃ Turn over the paper again and open up the triangular flaps

⁃ Under each number (on the inside of the flap) write your kindness challenge or mantra.

Fold it all back up and you’re ready to play!

⁃ One person has the fortune teller and the other makes the choices

⁃ The fist person chooses a colour and the 2nd person spells out the colour as they move the fortune teller (If you’re not sure how to do this, check out my stories where I’ve videoed my boys doing it!)

⁃ The first person then chooses a number and the second person moves the fortune teller that amount of times

⁃ Finally the first person chooses another number and opens up the flap to reveal the kindness challenge or mantra.

Phew… that was long winded!!! If that’s not clear (and I won’t be at all surprised if it’s not) - check out my first ever IGTV video where I demo it which might make more sense!!

Hopefully this has helped you to think about ways you and your family can incorporate kindness and compassion into your daily life in an intentional but fun way – do let me know how you get on and whether you have any other craft or activity suggestions.

As ever, I welcome any comments or questions either by email or social media.

During this period of school closure I am also offering 30 minute webcam sessions, please get in contact if you would like a free consultation and of course do pass this on to anyone who you think might find it useful.

Gratitude - Crafts & Strategies

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Sat, 04 Apr 2020 09:08:13 GMT

This week on Instagram and Facebook I’ve been looking at the importance of gratitude and ways we can incorporate it into everyday family life.

Gratitude has been shown to increase children’s happiness; by helping them to cultivate an attitude of appreciation for everything they have, it can make them more empathic and generous towards others, and more positive about their lives.

There are a variety of low-key ways you can bring gratitude into your everyday life: encouraging children to say please and thank you, sending thank you messages for gifts, taking a moment to stop and notice things in their environment that bring pleasure, and paying compliments are all things that you can encourage and, more importantly, model through your own behaviour, so that an appreciative attitude becomes their natural position.

As with most things that make a big difference in life, practice and consistency are key. In a world that primes us to notice what we do not have, it can be really hard to appreciate what we already have, and probably take for granted. A regular practice of gratitude can reinforce and highlight how much we have, which in turn encourages us to focus on the moment and increases our sense of abundance and happiness. Here are some suggestions of how you can incorporate a regular practice into your family’s daily life:

Decorate a “gratitude stone” and pass it around at a family meal time, taking it in turns to talk about something you are grateful for that day.
In the car on the way to school (once they re-open!), take it in turns to talk about things you’re looking forward to that you’re grateful for in your day.
Have a “gratitude jar” and regularly write down things that your children have noticed that they are grateful for - and when they are feeling a bit low or finding it hard to see the good in life, pick things out and remind them what they have been grateful for previously.
At bedtime, think about your days and each think of three things you are grateful for.
Older children might like to start a “gratitude journal” which they can complete as part of their bedtime routine.

Crafts & Activities

Gratitude Garden: A nice, gentle, collaborative craft to introduce this idea, is for each member of the family to make flowers or trees out of card for a gratitude garden; stick them on a background and write on them several things you are all grateful for. The activity becomes more about the crafting and building up the picture than the writing! It is a useful introduction to start the process of thinking about what is good in our lives, and of noticing that each member of the family can be grateful for different things.

Gratitude Treasure Hunt: this is a great family activity. It encourages children to think about what brings them pleasure in their environment, and promotes empathy by inviting them to think what might bring others pleasure...

You can come up with your own list of course, but here’s mine:

Find....

...something that makes you happy

...one thing you love to smell

...something your favourite colour

...something to make someone else smile

...one thing you enjoy looking at

...something you are thankful for in nature

Gratitude Tree: this is a bit like the “gratitude garden” craft, but can be built up and added to over a period of time, which is also helpful in establishing a regular practice. I find that school holidays are a good time to do these as you can work it around a theme. I pictured our summer one from last year on Instagram, but we also did one for Christmas and will be doing one for Easter (I’ll be posting some pictures of that one in progress…)

Collect some sticks, make sure they have little bits to hang things on
Fill a plant pot with sand and wedge the sticks in there
Cut out some shapes with the card (leaves, stars, eggs…whatever works with the time of year or theme) and attach some string to the top of the shape
Every day write or draw something on a shape that you are grateful for and add it to the tree.
There are a variety of ways to do this – over the summer last year for example, we took it in turns to write on the leaf, but decided together what we were all grateful for that day. For a shorter holiday like Easter we will each do our own egg to add to the tree every day. If you have a mixture of ages, perhaps the older ones could write and the younger ones could illustrate it? You know your family best and can judge what would work for you.

Hopefully this has helped you to think about ways you and your family can incorporate gratitude into your daily life in an intentional but fun way – do let me know how you get on and whether you have any other suggestions for gratitude crafts!

As ever, I welcome any comments or questions either by email or social media.

Helping Children Cope With Big Emotions

Sun, 29 Mar 2020 08:28:38 GMT

This week over on Instagram and Facebook I’ve been looking at strategies and crafts we can use to help us to talk to our children about emotions, and develop ways in collaboration with them to help them to self-regulate.

For me, the most important part about this topic is the emphasis on connection. Your child needs to feel heard and understood before they can connect with their feelings and form a cohesive narrative of events.

Dan Siegel talks about “name it to tame it” in his book “The Whole-Brain Child.” The idea is that because young children are dominated by the right, emotional and nonverbal side of the brain, by bringing in the left logical and linguistic side, we can help to integrate both hemispheres and enable our children to feel, but not be swamped by their feelings.

The way we can practically do this is to always connect first - respond to the emotional needs of the right brain and then bring in the left hemisphere through narrating the experience with your child - what actually happened, and how it felt - storytelling can help children make sense of an experience. Even the act of naming what we are feeling literally calms the emotional activity in the right hemisphere.

Practical activities

1. Giving your child a vocabulary for their emotions:

print out some emojis or draw different expressions and then talk to your child about different words for that emotion; how they might feel inside if they were experiencing that; if a friend felt that way, how would they treat them; can they remember a time when they felt that way, what happened, what helped them…?

2. Mindfulness Jar

You will need: a clean jar, water, glitter (optional: food colouring & different types of glitter).

Fill a clean jar about 2/3 full with water
Add food colouring if you want to
Pop in some glitter (we like to use 2 sorts - fine glitter and sequin shapes)
Put the lid back on and give in a shake or a swirl - watch until the glitter has settled.

Children will find their own uses for this - some children like to have them by their beds to watch if they can’t sleep, some notice it would be useful to help them calm down if they get angry (siblings usually get mentioned here!), and others notice that it helps their mind to still, so it would be useful for when their minds are too busy or overwhelmed.

3. Breathing: This is the corner stone of being able to self soothe, and it’s really helpful if you can practice these at calm times so that they can be easily called on in times of need. If you can encourage your child to breathe out for longer than the breath in, this will soothe the fight, flight or freeze response that gets activated when we are anxious.

Five finger breathing: put one hand flat in front of you and trace around your fingers with the pointy finger of the opposite hand. Breath in as you move up a finger, breathe out as you trace down a finger.
Box / square breathing: Draw a square, start at the bottom right corner of the square. Breathe in for the count of four as you trace the first side of the square. Hold your breath for the count of four as you trace the second side of the square. Breathe out for four counts as you trace the third side of the square. Hold again for the count of four as you trace the final side. Repeat!
Feathers, bubbles, windmills – all really good props for encouraging deep, slow breathing.

4. Stress balls – I love making these - and so do all the children I’ve done it with... it’s really hands on and a bit messy, and offers a great opportunity to think about times you might need to release stress of tension - where do we feel this in our bodies, how can we respond to what we need in that moment? ...

You will need: balloons, flour or cornflour (rice and lentils work too, but give a different texture), scissors & a funnel of some sort

Each person will need 2 balloons - it doesn’t matter what the colour/ pattern of the first one is as that will be going inside the 2nd balloon.
Blow up the first balloon and let it deflate - this will stretch it a bit and make it easier to put the funnel in.
Put the funnel though the top being careful not to split the thinner part of the balloon (I like to use cut up tubes from inside tin foil for this, but you might have an actual funnel if your kitchen is better equipped than mine!!)
I like to add a few drops of uplifting essential oil to the flour (sweet orange and grapefruit are our favourites!)
Using a teaspoon, spoon the flour into the funnel and shake it down into the balloon. It can take a bit of time to fill the balloon at first, so don’t be disheartened if you don’t think you’re getting anywhere, it will all of a sudden fill up!
When it is full enough, tie off the top and double wrap it by squidging it into the second balloon (snip off the end and blow this one up first too so that the opening is wide enough & it’s stretchy enough) and tie that one as well

Talking points

It can be helpful to explain that when we are upset and don’t talk about it, our feelings can grow and grow inside us until they take over and make us behave in ways we don’t want to and don’t mean… that’s why we have to “name it to tame it!”

Talk about how it feels in your body when you feel different emotions. Ask them to name a time they felt that way and discuss what happened, and what they think out of the strategies you’ve talked about together might have helped them in that moment.

Discuss with your child how different feelings produce different sensations in the body, so it can be helpful to develop a toolkit that they can dip into and together you can learn about what works for them. It demonstrates that you are really listening to your child, taking them seriously and giving them control.

Modelling behaviour is also key – mention how you’re feeling and what might help. For example, “I’ve just had a really frustrating phone call with someone. And it’s made me feel really tense inside. I’m going to concentrate on my breathing for a moment and then squeeze a stress ball”, or “I’ve just been listening to the news and it’s made me feel a bit anxious. I’m feeling restless and my breathing is shallow. I’m going to concentrate on making my out breath longer than my in breath while I look at my mindfulness jar.”

In this way you can normalise the spectrum of emotions that everyone feels and model how your child might want to bring their feelings into awareness and use their own strategies.

I’d love to know if you’ve tried any of these and whether they have worked for you, and also if you have any other suggestions… I’m always keen to try out new ideas!

As ever, I welcome any comments or questions either by email or social media.

Relationships in times of pressure

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 16:16:27 GMT

As many people are already or are anticipating spending more time all together at home, there is a lot of anxiety around how to manage relationships without the usual socialising or opportunities for time apart that are usually available. I have put together some ideas to help you make this time together in isolation one of connection rather than conflict.

1. Anticipate and communicate

You probably already know from holidays and weekends what winds you up about time together… those little things that you can over-look when you know time together is limited can become major bumps in the road if you have more time together under pressurised conditions. It’s worth having a conversation about these niggles at a relaxed time rather than in the heat of the moment. Think about how you would like someone to communicate something difficult with you. You could start with a positive, e.g. “I’m really looking forward to us all spending more time together”, followed by a concern or request, e.g. “I wonder if I could ask you to help more with getting the children to bed though while we’re all at home – I know they would love it and it would really help me out” and finish up by offering an opportunity for them to voice any requests, e.g. “is there anything you’re concerned about with us all being at home together” or “are there habits that we’ve fallen into that you would like us to try doing differently?”

This might be a conversation spanned over a few days, but the main message here is to keep the lines of communication open and really listen to how your partner responds – either to your requests or to any concerns they have too.

2. Structure and routine

It’s a good idea to try to put in place some structure to your day; routines and rhythms provide consistency and security, a sense of safety when the outside world can seem very unsafe. Particularly where children are concerned, knowing what is expected of them and what is happening next can help alleviate anxiety and allows an element of control over an uncontrollable situation. I’m not suggesting that you should draw up a rigid timetable, but a flexible structure can be reassuring for adults and children alike. If you are having to work from home and don’t normally (or not normally with children around!), can you structure your routine so that you have time and physical space to do the work you need and still have time to engage as a family?

3. Play to your strengths

If there are two parents at home with children, think about what your different strengths are and allocate responsibility accordingly. If one of you is a keen gardener, could that parent spend time with the children planting seeds or weeding while the other one has some time out with a cup of tea and a book? Can one of you get the children involved in an at home fitness session – kicking a ball, running races or building an obstacle course, while the other parent takes some time to meditate or do some yoga? The key here is to think about a) what you’re good at, and b) how you can adapt that to do something enjoyable with the children. This will strengthen your individual bonds with the children and respect that each of you need time on your own to re-charge. Plan activities that you can work on together that may have been put to one side in the busyness of everyday life – a photo album, garden project, room de-clutter – having a shared goal and supporting each other to achieve this is uniting and satisfying. Sharing day to day responsibility for jobs and childcare is going to be key if you are to avoid resentment and frustration, and foster intimacy and connection.

4. Recognise stress symptoms

Do you know your partner well enough to recognise when they are feeling under stress or pressure? Do they know your stress symptoms? Talk about non-verbal cues you might need to pick up on from each other and think about ways you can support each other when you notice these signs – what do you need in that moment? Space, touch, to be listened to, a cup of tea – these are all good ways to empathise with and reduce stress, but every person’s need will be unique – what would work for you might not work for your partner. Take the time to find out. You might also find it helpful to read my post on love languages .

5. Comfort, compassion and a sense of humour!

The main thing to remember is that however intense, frustrating and limiting this might feel, it won’t be forever. Try to build self-care into your routine and insist that you should both have the opportunity to respect this time for each other. When tempers flare, try to have compassion for yourself and your partner. If things become overwhelming, take the time to comfort each other. Find things to laugh about together – laugh at yourself, share funny videos and anecdotes. Together you can come through this stronger and more united.

I would love those of you with children to see this as an opportunity to model respect, self-care, communication and healthy conflict resolution. There are many life lessons our children will be learning from us over the coming months; think about what you might want to teach them about being in a relationship.

Of course some people might find it hard to start these conversations, or some partners may refuse to engage… in this case prioritise looking after yourself. Think about your own sense of identity, self-esteem and needs. There will also be valuable lessons here for your children in watching you take care of yourself, which will not only invite them to respect your needs, but also give them permission to do the same for themselves.

There may be underlying reasons why you find this hard to do… but that’s a topic for another blog post!! If this is a real concern however, I urge you to get help and prioritise your mental health.

An important note: this blog post is not aimed at people in an abusive relationship or suffering from domestic violence. If you are in that situation you can find help here.

As ever, I welcome any comments or questions either by email or social media.

During this period of school closure I am offering 30 minute webcam sessions, please get in contact if you would like a free consultation, and do pass this on to anyone who you think might find it useful.

Webcam Counselling

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 14:13:49 GMT

I’ve had quite a few clients lately asking about webcam counselling – whether it’s really a “thing” and how does it work. I thought it would be helpful to look in more detail about what this form of counselling is all about.

Firstly the practicalities: if you have a computer or laptop with an inbuilt webcam, or a smart phone or tablet and have stable internet connection, you are able to access webcam counselling. If you have ever had a chat with family or friends via Skype or facetime, then you are already familiar with how to communicate in this way. I use Zoom, which is a confidential platform, accessible either via their website or app. I send out an email invitation to clients with a link to access our meeting prior to every session.

Who is it suitable for?

Unless you are in crisis or don’t have confidence using technology as I’ve just described, then this should be suitable for you. In an initial conversation the counsellor will assess whether this is the most appropriate method for you to access counselling and will be clear on what your options are if they don’t feel you would benefit from webcam counselling. You will also need to be able to find a safe, confidential space to talk to your counsellor for each session.

Why might I decide on webcam counselling as opposed to face-face?

There are many reasons for accessing counselling in this way:

Time – if you work long hours or have limited childcare, it can be hard to find the travel time to and from a counsellor as well as the 50 minute session time

Anxiety – whether this is anxiety about leaving the house, or travelling to new places, or more generally feeling like counselling would be more effective if it could take place in your own home.

Location – there may not be a counsellor close to you who deals with your specific concern, or who you feel you could establish a relationship with to enable you to commit to counselling.

And let’s not forget that in these more uncertain times with Coronavirus, there may be an increased general unwillingness to travel combined with a rise in anxiety or other concerns exacerbated by social isolation.

What should I look for when choosing a webcam counsellor?

Counselling as a profession is largely unregulated, so it is important to only engage with therapists who have membership of an accrediting body and have completed training for offering webcam counselling. ACTO (Association for Counselling and Therapy Online) has a list of their members here. Webcam counselling is in no way an inferior option to face to face counselling, but it is different, so it is important that counsellors have the appropriate training to offer it ethically. Please also have a read of my blog post which deals more generally with choosing a counsellor .

Finally, a bit more about the way I work online. If you contact me regarding counselling via webcam, I will arrange a time to speak to you either by phone or webcam (depending what you would prefer) for up to 30 minutes at no cost. This is your opportunity to ask me any questions you might have about counselling and how I work, and think about whether I am someone you would like to have counselling with. There is never any pressure to make a decision, and I would encourage you to take all the time you need. If you do decide to go ahead with counselling with me, I will send you a contract which outlines issues such as confidentiality, cancelling sessions and how we will contact each other in the case of technology failure.

As ever, please do get in touch if you would like to discuss this further!

If you would like to sign up to my seasonal newsletter, you can do so here

Coronavirus: Looking after your family's mental health

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 19:24:30 GMT

Coronavirus: Looking after your family’s mental health and how to talk to children

There is understandably a lot of anxiety surrounding the possible impact of coronavirus, not only in terms of fearing getting the virus itself, but also in relation to social and economic impact.

I thought it would be helpful to look at the ways we can protect our mental health in these uncertain times, and that of our wider family, particularly the elderly and children.

Manage media consumption

While I am not advocating a total media ban, be selective about where you choose to look for updates and advice. By keeping informed from trusted sources, you will be able to speak calmly and reassuringly about what is happening, and the expected outcome, with older people amongst your family and friends who may be influenced by more sensationalist media; and also with children who have a tendency to overhear and may misinterpret or catastrophise events.

Follow advice regarding physical well-being

Both specific to coronavirus (i.e. vigilant hand washing) and specific to your own health. Make sure that you have any prescribed medicines you need in stock, eat healthily and exercise regularly – this is important not only for your physical health, but mental health as well. If you are feeling anxious and don’t feel like exercising in your normal way, for example in exercise classes or in gyms, find a way to adapt what you normally do (maybe an online yoga class, or a walk in the fresh air).

Maintain social connection

One of the main contributory factors to anxiety and depression is a lack of connection with others or social isolation. Make sure you maintain contact with friends, even if it is just via webcam, email or on the phone. You can also access counselling support in this way if you feel it would be helpful.

If you know someone elderly who may be anxious to go out at the moment then the issue of social isolation is particularly pertinent; try and find a way to make sure they have someone to talk to, even if it is just on the phone, knowing that someone is thinking about them and cares could make all the difference at this time. Giving of yourself and considering others is also a significant factor in promoting your own mental health.

Anticipate anxiety and remember how to deal with it

If you know that you, or people you know, are vulnerable to anxiety, or may be feeling overwhelmed, consider how you or they have dealt with this in the past and how successful or otherwise that has been. If you know you are likely to resort to unhelpful coping strategies, become familiar with alternative ways you can deal with stress (I have listed my favourites at the end of this post).

Talking to children

In order to minimise the impact on our children’s mental health it’s important to be curious about how they are feeling – what do they know, how realistic is this and in what way is it affecting their behaviour?

We should try and be as open and clear as possible in an age appropriate way; it is when children feel that they are being kept in the dark about something that they can become anxious as their imaginations go into over-drive based on the bits and pieces they pick up on the news, overhearing adult conversations and in the playground.

Encourage your child to share what they know and invite any questions they might have. Answer them in a reassuring but honest way and be prepared to repeat yourself as often as required. Make sure you make enough space and time for any questions they might have.

Children have a knack of asking questions that are difficult to answer or at an inappropriate time! If you are not sure what to say or don’t have enough time to address it there and then, rather than make something up or avoid the question, it’s perfectly OK to admit that you don’t know how to answer that right now or that now is not the best time, but that you will look into it and talk to them properly about it later. Make sure they know that talking to them about it is important to you even if you can’t do it right then.

Don’t dismiss any concerns they have with platitudes about everything being fine… give them concrete reasons for why they are safe. For children of all ages, this will be their main concern.

4 Strategies for dealing with anxiety

7-11 breathing : inhale for the count of 7, exhale for the count of 11. This may not be possible for you, but 6- 9 or 4 -6 work just as well, as long as the exhale is longer than the inhale to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and calm the “fight or flight” response

Grounding technique: choose a colour and look around you, spot as many things of that colour as possible in your environment. This helps you get out of your busy mind and engages and grounds you in the present moment

Connect with others : seek out conversations with friends you know you will find reassuring, talk about your worries and allow yourself to be soothed by their response

Counselling: if your anxiety is stopping you from engaging with others or your daily life, it may be time to access professional support. You can read more here about how to access and choose a counsellor.

I hope this has been helpful and reassuring. Please do contact me if you’d like to discuss anything I mention here, and feel free to share with anyone who might find it useful.

5 reasons you might not go to counselling

Mon, 24 Feb 2020 18:01:17 GMT

So, you’ve struggled with something for a while, maybe a bereavement, a major life-change, or ongoing anxiety or depression, and think counselling might be an option, but something is stopping you from making that initial contact. These can often feel like insurmountable obstacles; I’ve outlined some of the main reasons that people give below, and offered possible solutions:

1. I can’t afford it

It can feel like a huge outlay to spend upwards of £40 a week on a counselling session. I would encourage you however to see this as an investment in your future, your relationships and your mental health. Many people think nothing of going out for a meal, seeing a dentist, or paying for a personal trainer, but can’t justify a similar cost for a counsellor. I wonder if this is because unlike other expenses, there is no immediate or visible result. It may be that you actually doubt it would work for you, or don’t feel that you deserve to spend that money on yourself.

Of course, many people actually don’t have that money readily available. If this is the case and the NHS or charitable agency waitlists are too long, I would encourage you to research some counsellors you feel might be right for you, and contact them to explain your situation. Many counsellors are able to offer a certain number of lower cost places, or depending on your circumstances, there may be the option of going to counselling monthly or fortnightly. Counsellors in private practice have a certain amount of flexibility in their schedule and fee structure as long as they are working ethically.

2. I don’t have the time

In our increasingly time pressured and busy world, this is feeling more and more like the case. I would urge you to try and take that time and space if you can, but appreciate that it can be hard to find the combination of the right counsellor with the right availability for your schedule.

It may also be the case that while you may be able to find the 50 minutes for the counselling session itself, the additional time of the journey, depending on how far you are from your counsellor, may make it less feasible for you time-wise.

There are possible ways around this. For example, as above, you may be able to commit to that amount of time fortnightly rather than weekly. Alternatively, you may want to look into webcam counselling. Counsellors who have specific training in delivering counselling in this way are able to offer an experience very similar to face to face counselling, but with a much-reduced time commitment. If you travel for work and can’t make a weekly commitment in person, there is also the option to “mix and match” webcam and face to face counselling around your schedule.

3. I don’t want to talk about my childhood

Most counsellors will be curious about your upbringing. It can be helpful to make links between past experiences and present-day situations; more often than not, the way we make sense of and navigate our present has its roots in the past. However, no counsellor should try and force you to talk about something you’re not comfortable about bringing to your sessions.

You are in control of your sessions - a counsellor can ask questions which may help you reflect on what is happening for you, they can invite you to share your thoughts and feelings about events, and they can suggest practical techniques that you can use in your day to day to manage anxiety or depression, but a counsellor cannot make you talk about anything you would rather not – the time is for you to make use of in the way that feels right for you.

4. I can’t leave the house

It may be that you have a disability or a psychological condition that restricts you from leaving the house. Some counselling agencies or charities offer a home visit service which might be appropriate for you. Alternatively, webcam counselling might be an option you would like to explore. Please do look at my website for FAQs about webcam counselling if this is something you might like to know more about.

5. I might not like the counsellor

This is true – we can’t like everyone! But before making a snap judgement in the first couple of minutes of meeting someone, take a moment to pause and consider why this might be. Do they remind you of someone? Are you feeling challenged? Invited to look at areas of your life you don’t feel ready to explore? If this is case, I would urge you to talk to the counsellor about it – some of the most valuable therapy occurs when you can talk about something you are experiencing in the moment.

Having said all of that however, the relationship between the client and counsellor has been shown time and time again to be the main factor in the success of any counselling, so whoever you choose, you should ensure you feel, or have the potential to feel, comfortable enough to trust your counsellor to explore your inner world with you. I offer free initial sessions for exactly this reason, and many counsellors offer something similar.

If you have thought of any of these reasons before and they are stopping you from accessing support, be curious about what they are really saying to you. A counsellor can facilitate exploring any reluctance you have in investing that time in yourself. If you’re not sure what might happen in counselling session or how counselling works, please do have a look at some of my other blog posts that look at this in more detail.

Maybe your reason isn’t here, in which case I’d love to know more – please do get in touch if you’d like to discuss any concerns you might have. If you’d like to book in for an initial free session either face to face or via webcam, please contact me either via email: catherine.nabbs@gmail.com , or call to discuss on 07813 329 802.

Do you know your Love Language?

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 08:03:41 GMT

Do You Know Your Love Language?

As Valentine’s Day fast approaches, I thought it might be interesting to have a look at Love Languages.

Whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, we are all in relationships with others around us – children, parents, siblings, friends – and we all want to love and be loved.

Everyone is different in the way they show and experience love however – Dr Gary Chapman condensed this idea into the “5 Love Languages”*… do you know yours or those of the ones you love?

Here they are in a nutshell:

❤️ Receiving gifts: This is not about the cost or size of the gift, it’s the representation of the fact that you have been in someone’s thoughts and they have chosen something for you. Think of a child coming home and presenting you with a precious stone!

❤️ Words of affirmation: This is having someone articulate they way they feel about you – whether it’s to do with their emotional connection, appreciation for something you have done, or telling you that you look nice.

❤️ Acts of service: This is not just about preferring someone to do the things around the house that are your least favourite jobs, although that might come into it! It’s about the thought that goes into recognising that they can do something for you that will make your life easier, putting effort into doing something that they know will make a difference to you.

❤️ Physical touch: This is not just about sexual intimacy, but holding hands, hugging, a touch of the knee, or a hand on your shoulder as you walk past – making the effort to have consistent contact.

❤️ Quality time: This is about prioritising time together over everything else – talking instead of watching television, going out for a walk, sharing a meal – as long as the attention is on each other.

I think what I like about this approach is that it invites you to recognise that while you might think you are expressing your love for someone, they might not fully receive it in the way you intend and vice versa; it opens up the opportunity to be curious about what you and the significant people in your life need to feel loved and to start a conversation that might lead to more fulfilling relationships. It’s also empowering to be able to acknowledge our own individual needs, whether or not we are in a romantic relationship.

What about the impact this could also have on our most significant relationship… the relationship we develop with ourselves? By recognising our love language it gives us permission to nurture ourselves. For example…

�� If your love language is “words of affirmation”, how do you talk to yourself? Maybe deliberately speaking to yourself in a positive way, and catching the more negative self-talk could be particularly helpful for you. Daily mantras may also be useful.

�� If your love language is “physical touch”, perhaps taking time over massaging in hand-cream or learning about reflexology pressure points so that you can physically self sooth might be important for you.

�� “Quality time” on our own – a walk in the woods, a trip to a café or to the cinema might feel strange at first, but if this is your love language you could really feel nurtured by deliberately spending time doing something you enjoy on your own.

�� “Receiving gifts” as a love language might feel like there would be some financial pressure, but I think it can also be about re-framing things you would be buying anyway – perhaps as you pop a new magazine in your shopping trolley you do it more intentionally and look upon it as a gift to yourself.

�� “Acts of service” might also be about a slight mind-set shift. Recognising and acknowledging that outsourcing jobs you don’t like or are unable to do for yourself (for example lawn-mowing, cleaning, ironing, window cleaning...) as an act of self-love can be empowering, as can giving yourself permission to ask for help, and allowing those that care about you to speak your love language.

So if you sense that there are shifts you could make in the way you show your love to other people, or would like to start a conversation to help others show their love for you more effectively, perhaps share this article as a starting point… even wanting to talk about it will be an expression of love!

As ever, if you have any questions or comments please do contact me via email or social media.

* “The 5 Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts” ~ Gary Chapman

10 things to consider when choosing a counsellor

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 10:47:13 GMT

I was so saddened by the report on the BBC this week about the damage that unregulated therapists and counsellors can have on the most vulnerable clients.

I’ve put together a quick checklist of 10 things to ask and consider when choosing a counsellor in private practice:

1. Check that they are a registered member of an accrediting body

You can confirm this before even making an appointment by checking on the register on the website they are claiming to be a member of. For example, I am a member of BACP and ACTO who both have an online register of members. This guarantees a base level of competence and a reassurance that they work to an ethical framework.

2. Ask what their level of qualification is

For a counsellor in the UK this should be either a degree or level 4 diploma.

3. Enquire how many client hours they had to complete as part of their training

In the BBC video the presenter was able to get a qualification within 10 minutes! All reputable courses specify a minimum number of client hours to be completed before the qualification can be awarded – for example, I had to complete 100 hours working with clients for my diploma course.

4. Check that they have regular supervision

This is an essential part of ensuring that clients are receiving the best possible care. All counsellors should have monthly supervision with a qualified supervisor to make sure that they are working ethically and with the client’s best interests at the core of everything they do.

5. Are they working within their competency level?

If you are presenting with a specific concern, such as bereavement or an eating disorder, you may want to enquire as to any specific training or experience in this area. All counsellors should complete a minimum amount of continuing professional development each year, and it may be that they have specific training in an area you are interested in exploring with them. If they haven’t, this is not necessarily a reason not to go with them, but it means you are making an informed decision.

6. Don’t feel pressured to make a decision

Finding a counsellor is a brave and important step. Make sure that you have enough time to ask any questions that you need to, and that you don’t feel pressured to make a decision there and then at your first meeting. I offer a free no obligation 50 minute session for face to face clients, and 30 minutes for webcam clients for precisely this reason.

7. Trust your instinct

Time and time again studies have shown that it is the relationship between the counsellor and the client which has the biggest impact on the success of therapy, so it is important that you feel you are with the right person for you. Listen to your gut!

8. Read your contract

The contract between you and your counsellor sets out important aspects such as confidentiality, privacy policies and what happens if you can’t make a session. Make sure you read this carefully and ask any questions that you need to in order to feel comfortable going forward

9. Ask questions that feel important to you

Only you know what it is that you hope to get from counselling, The counsellor should leave enough space in your initial conversation for you to ask everything that you need to get comfortable with the process

10. Be wary of therapists that offer too many reassurances or guarantees

There are no guarantees with counselling! You should discuss goals and your counsellor will assess with you where you would like to get to, but no one can offer you a guaranteed outcome.

You may not feel you need to ask all of these questions, but the most important thing is that you feel that you can . Remember that there is never any obligation to continue with a counsellor, so if at any point you feel unsafe or uncertain you can discontinue. Counselling should be an empowering process and my hope is that unscrupulous individuals claiming to be suitably qualified who aren’t, don’t discourage those who need help from seeking it.

As ever, if you have any comments or questions please do get in touch!

10 ways to combat the January blues

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 12:59:40 GMT

It’s at this time of year that a more melancholy, subdued mood can set in. Christmas festivities over, living rooms looking a little more bare with the decorations put away for another year, the house still in a bit of disarray as new gifts have yet to find their permanent home. The weather can be dreary, with no spring yet in sight and most of us are back to work or school with weeks or months stretching ahead until the next proper break. Not to mention the gloss fading on optimistically set New Year resolutions and intentions. No wonder “January Blues” is a thing! So, what can we do to counteract this feeling? Here are my top 10 things to consider:

1. Movement

Keeping active is important for our mental health at any time of year, but particularly now, when it’s less appealing to get outside. Make an effort to walk if it’s a nice day instead of jumping in the car. Think about ways of moving that would make your body feel good. Find something that you actively look forward to instead of feeling like it’s a chore, or something that you know you won’t be able to maintain. You may have to compromise in order to make it work for you. For example, I love swimming and ideally I would swim every day in a full length pool, but because of the time I have available to swim and the distance I am from a leisure centre, that’s not realistic for me. So I’ve joined a hotel gym not far from my home, with a much shorter pool, but at a location it’s realistic for me to get to regularly. Another example is yoga; I love group classes, but because of my irregular schedule it’s hard for me to commit to a regular class, so I have a “Movement for Modern Life” online membership and can do classes from home with a much shorter time commitment. Think about ways you can make exercise you enjoy work for you, rather than set a punishing regime that you have no hope of sticking to!

2. Connection

Again, this is important to assess regularly, but at this time of year, maybe after a few weeks of social over-load and over-spending, it’s tempting to head into hibernation. Try to ensure that you notice when a natural inclination to slow down nudges into social isolation. It doesn’t need to be anything drastic – sending a text or an email, a handwritten note, making a phone call, or meeting for a quick cup of tea can all be ways to top-up our sense of connection with others. Connecting with people we care about is also a good way to look outside of our own world and put any concerns or worries we may have into perspective. Thinking about others and actively helping other people can trigger the reward areas of the brain, which infuse us with a sense of well being.

3. Make plans/ set goals

While I am not a fan of extreme goals and arbitrary deadlines, I do think that setting reasonable challenges and achievable time-frames can be helpful and motivating. As can planning something enjoyable, whether that’s a holiday, a weekend away or a day out – anything away from your day to day routine that gives you something to plan for and look forward to.

4. Try not to compare yourself to other people

As other people talk about their goals, resolutions, intentions and achievements, it’s really easy to start comparing ourselves and letting in negative chatter about our own lack of achievement (as we may perceive it). I know it’s easier said than done, but try and re-frame your own life into what you have already accomplished and what steps you have made towards your goals – notice and celebrate them however small. A gratitude practice can help with this. Journalling or keeping a diary isn’t for everyone, but making a habit of thinking of three things you’re grateful for each day can make a difference and shift perspective towards a more optimistic mindset.

5. Environment

The place we spend most of our time can make a huge difference to how we feel. Consider how you feel about the space you spend most of your time at the moment. Is there anything you can do to make it a place you feel happy to spend time in? For me a good de-clutter eases any tension I might feel whether it’s my desk, a kitchen drawer or a whole room.

6. Nutrition

Don’t overlook the importance of nourishing your body in rhythm with the seasons. Our bodies might be over-loaded after Christmas, and while it’s tempting to rush into a “no sugar”, “no fat”, ‘no carb” diet to counteract this feeling, instead of punishing our bodies, nurture them with goodness. What does your body need for balance?

7. Bring the outside in

I suppose this relates to our environment as well, but it really is important at this time of year when it’s harder to get outside to bring a little of the outside in! Plants and flowers can have a really beneficial impact on our physical and mental health. For example Peace Lily Plants are particularly beneficial for removing toxins in the air around them, and cut flowers can be chosen for meaning or colour to bring pleasure. When I was at a friends house the other day I noticed she had some beautiful potted spring bulbs on her windowsill that she’d bought inexpensively at the supermarket; they brought a real sense of positivity and a reminder that spring will eventually arrive!

8. Nurture your senses

Becoming aware of your senses is a really important strategy for alleviating panic attacks or anxiety, but can also be a lovely way to consider our surroundings and general well being. Here is a little check-list of ways you can nurture your senses – by no means exhaustive, but some of my favourite ways:

Smell: flowers, fresh linen, candles, a scented bath

Touch: hugs, massage, stroking a pet, slipping between freshly laundered sheets

Sound: nature, water, music, a crackling fire

Sight: photos, a favourite view, a tidied room

And of course the power of these is that many of them nurture more than one sense at a time – lighting a candle and stepping into a beautifully scented bath that happens to be the perfect temperature; brewing a jasmine tea, holding the warm mug and inhaling the subtle scent; sitting in a tidy room, reading a book, feeling the warmth from the fireplace…. All every day things, but if you take the time to notice and approach every day sensual experiences in a mindful way, they become elevated to an integral part of your self-care .

9. Meditate

No list from me is complete without a reference to some sort of meditation!! I won’t say too much about it here, but a little reminder that just 5-10 minutes a day is enough to make a difference… If meditating feels like too much of an ask, how about deliberately seeking out a quiet space for that amount of time each day, stepping outside, or away from technology and activity for a short while to recharge?

10. Seek help

Of course sometimes no matter what we do it just doesn’t seem to help. If you feel unable to motivate yourself to do anything I’ve suggested here, and if your low mood persists, ask for help. Whether it’s going to the GP, finding a counsellor or confiding in a friend, talking about what’s bothering you can be the thing that makes the biggest difference.

I hope this list of my favourite mood-lifters has given you something to think about… As ever, if you have any comments or questions or would like a free consultation if you’re considering either webcam or face to face counselling, please get in touch!

5 ways to mental well-being part 3: give of yourself

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 07:55:19 GMT

[Originally posted: Oct 9th, 2019]

So it’s been quite a while since my last blog post. Life happens… and I think an acceptance of that with a hefty dose of self-compassion is sometimes needed! Anyway, I’m back with my penultimate post in the “5 ways to mental well-being”, which seems appropriate on the day that we are celebrating #HelloYellow in support of Young Minds.

In this post I’d like to look at how giving contributes to mental health; specifically giving of yourself in some way. It’s easy when we are feeling bogged down with life to feel like we have nothing to contribute to others, but I would argue that it’s exactly then that we need to be looking out of ourselves and recognising the positive effect that even the smallest of actions can have on others, and how this in turn can make us feel about ourselves.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of others”

~ Charles Dickens

There is a tendency when we feel low to look at what we don’t have and how gaining these things will improve our lives. A new coat, a handbag, a new car… or maybe material items aren’t missing but there is still a void that needs to be filled, so we “treat” ourselves to a cake, a bar of chocolate or a glass of wine. What would it feel like rather than heading to the shops, or the café, or the online store or the fridge to instead pick up the phone and text or call a friend you know is going through a hard time? How would it feel to open the laptop to write an email to wish someone luck or invite someone out for a cup of tea?

Becoming aware of how we can help others is important for giving us a sense of purpose; positive action towards helping others can trigger the reward areas of the brain which infuse us with a sense of well being. It can also help to put our own situation into perspective. By acknowledging that there are others in need we may become more accepting of our own circumstances, feel less alone maybe, and more willing to ask for help from others.

There are of course different ways of giving – there are the small but impactful in the moment gestures – helping someone lift a pushchair down the steps, asking how someone is and really listening or texting someone just to let them know you are thinking of them. Then there are the bigger gestures which may take more planning or time commitment, such as volunteering or mentoring or planning a day out to visit someone you know might not have much company.

This is all very much linked with kindness and compassion – kindness to others and ourselves. Studies in kindness have been shown to increase energy, oxytocin (the “love hormone”), happiness, life expectancy, pleasure and serotonin (the “feel good” chemical) and decrease pain, stress, anxiety, depression and blood pressure *

And remember that the practice of kindness and compassion is a choice that we have, it may take some effort at first, but as I hope I’ve demonstrated, the reward for our mental health is worth it. Brené Brown puts it this way: “compassion is not a virtue – it is a commitment. It’s not something we have or don’t have – it’s something we choose to practice”

As ever, you can contact me with any comments via email, or find me on social media - Instagram and Facebook.

*www.randomactsofkindness.org

5 ways to mental well-being part 4: Mindfulness

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 07:55:09 GMT

[Originally posted: Oct 30th, 2019]

So today I want to look at Mindfulness. There is so much out there about Mindfulness, that I’m almost hesitant to post anything else! My intention is not to tell you something you already know, but instead I want to look at the science behind why mindfulness works.

I think most of us have heard by now that mindfulness can positively impact on our functioning, whether it is through improving the quality of our attention, strengthening relationships or helping with pain management to mention just a few of the benefits.

But I think that cynicism and a lack of awareness about how the brain works is the biggest barrier to engaging with mindfulness – how can meditating possibly do all of that?

So, what does this mean in terms of the brain and neuroscience? Research on mindfulness is still relatively new, but initial studies* using MRI scans on those who have meditated for a long time versus those who have never done so showed a slowing down of age-related thinning in the frontal cortex of the brain (the area associated with formation of memories) – those in their 40’s and 50’s who meditated had the same frontal cortex formation as someone in their 20’s or 30’s.

Another exciting area of neuroscience is the research into neuroplasticity. The brain can literally re-wire itself based on our interactions with our environment. In another study, people who had never meditated participated in various daily mindfulness activities over an eight week period. Scans at the end of the eight weeks showed that brain volume had increased in four regions of the brain including the hippocampus (responsible for the regulation of emotions) and the temporoparietal junction (area responsible for empathy and compassion). Interestingly the size of the amygdala (the area responsible for the “fight or flight” response) actually decreased… the smaller the amygdala, the more able you are to deal with stress.

For those of you lacking in motivation to give mindfulness a try, I hope this has added a bit more impetus! If you’re concerned about the time commitment, be reassured that it doesn’t take much effort – just 5 minutes of meditation a day have been found to have benefits. And the skills you hone through a formal meditation can be brought to almost any activity – sports, yoga, gardening, housework, even cleaning your teeth… so it gradually becomes an easier to integrate mindfulness into our everyday.

So, just to sum up this series of posts, the 5 ways to mental well-being are:

Keep active

Maintain relationships

Learn new things

Give of yourself

Practice mindfulness

If you’re feeling a bit sluggish, out of sorts or not quite yourself, have a little look at this list and see if any area there is lacking – maintaining the balance between all 5 could be the key to a more satisfying life!

I’d love to know how you get on. As ever, if you have any questions or comments please feel free to email, or you can connect with me on Facebook and Instagram.

5 ways to mental well-being part 2 - maintaining relationships & learning

183:795619607 (Catherine Nabbs) — Thu, 09 Jan 2020 07:55:03 GMT

[Originally posted: Sept 26th, 2018]

Last time I introduced the idea of “5 ways to well-being” – strategies that we can all use to consciously improve our mental health. This week I would like to take a look at two more ways: maintaining relationships and learning.

However much we like our own space, feel inspired by solitude or anxious in social situations, relationships to others form our identity and our sense of self – from our earliest attachments through childhood friendships, romantic relationships and enduring connections later in life.

Early research into babies and their need for warmth and human connection showed that baby monkeys preferred something soft to cuddle up to even though it didn’t provide nourishment, rather than an impersonal creation that dispensed food.* More recent research highlights the effect on loneliness – a study by the Office for National Statistics found that almost 10% of people aged 16 to 24 were “always or often” lonely and Age UK report that more that 2 million people in England over the age of 75 live alone, and more than a million older people say they go for over a month without speaking to a friend, neighbour or family member. Of course some people may have lots of friends, socialise seemingly constantly and still feel lonely, while others may have a small social group and rarely meet up with friends yet feel perfectly content. The point here, is that only you know what your ideal balance is. You may also want to look to the future and invest in relationships that while difficult to maintain now because of a variety of factors (for example geographical distance, different aged children, family commitments…), you know that further down the road are people you want to fall into the enduring friendship category.

The quality of relationships is significantly more important than the quantity; surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself, support your successes, comfort you during hard times, encourage you and energise you. It’s very easy to think of friendships in relation to what they bring to you, but I would also encourage you to maintain friendships with people who feel they can ask you for help, check in with the friend you know is going through a hard time, remember birthdays, anniversaries and important appointments – there is great joy to be had in being to others the kind of friend you cherish for yourself.

Be aware of social media – how does scrolling through Instagram or Facebook make you feel? Give yourself permission to unfollow people when their feed provokes feelings that make you doubt your own self worth. They can be great platforms for keeping in touch and receiving inspiration, but monitor your feelings and allow yourself to only engage in a way that makes you feel good.

If on reading this people have come to mind that you wish you were still in contact with or had been more thoughtful towards then I invite you to take action – send a card, a text, a letter or an email – more often than not people will welcome you making that first step towards better, more rewarding engagement.

The other topic I want to look at this week is learning. The importance of keeping our brains active is nothing new, but very often in the rush of the day to day this kind of activity is put to one side. Learning new things can give you a sense of purpose, increase your confidence and self esteem and this in turn can help you cope better with stress and anxiety. I am very fortunate; in having a career that I love, continuing professional development is not only a requirement of my professional body, but is also something I enjoy – courses, reading, online learning are all part of being the best counsellor I can be where there is a limitless amount of interesting and rewarding learning to be done. But what about if the job you do doesn’t inspire you? Or you’re not working at the moment? Or you’re elderly and/ or housebound? Let’s look at what the options might be and how to go about finding something you enjoy.

Your local library might be the first port of call if you are able to get there – notice boards advertise locally run courses not to mention the books themselves, which can be a treasure trove of resources and provide inspiration. Adult education centres offer a variety of courses at reasonable prices. If you are unable to leave the house that doesn’t mean your mind has to be similarly restricted. Often local libraries offer a delivery service and of course the internet provides a wealth of opportunity for further learning. If you like the idea of learning but are unsure where to start, I highly recommend Future Learn (futurelearn.com). This is an online learning platform owned by the Open University offering a huge range of courses provided by national and international universities and other institutions and centres of excellence**. For anyone who is unsure where to start their learning journey, a scroll through the courses they offer is sure to provide inspiration. And of course learning also provides an opportunity to meet like-minded people – either in person or through forums. Of course learning doesn’t need to be that structured – how about learning a new recipe and cooking it for friends (ticking the “maintaining relationships” box too!), or taking a stroll around a gallery or exhibition. Learning works best when the learner is ready and receptive and the learning meets the learner’s needs – so finding something that you are genuinely able to engage with that is also delivered in a way that works for you is the key!

Next time I’ll be looking at more of the “5 ways to mental well-being”

As ever, please do get in contact if you have any comments or questions, either directly or via social media – I can be found on Facebook and Instagram.

*Harlow’s Monkey Experiment (1958)

** www.futurelearn.comThe body content of your post goes here.

5 ways to mental well-being - an introduction & keeping active

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 07:55:00 GMT

[Originally posted: July 16th, 2018]

A few years ago, Professor Peter Kinderman and colleagues at the University of Liverpool published research into which factors can determine our mental well-being. These strategies have been adopted by MIND and the NHS, and I often use them when a client has got to the point of feeling less stuck, more able to think about a way forward and when they start to feel the need to proactively take care of themselves. Very often this is towards the end of my work with a client, and used as a kind of tool kit that they can take with them – a check-list of things they can use to support themselves once therapy has finished. It is also useful to incorporate this way of thinking more early on with clients who come to see me for more short term counselling, again, to give them a self-support structure after our work together has ended. My intention in looking at each one in more detail over the coming weeks is to help people identify ways in which they may be able to support themselves with a view to more resilient mental health. I do not believe that these can replace counselling for people who are dealing with a trauma or feel stuck in unhelpful behaviour cycles or relationship patterns, but I do think that if more people attended to their mental health in the same way they are encouraged to address their physical health then most people would investigate ways to help themselves before they reached crisis point. These 5 ways to mental well being may go some way to increasing happiness and gaining perspective.

This week I’m going to look at the first of these five aspects – keeping active.

Inactivity becomes a vicious cycle if you are depressed; we know that endorphins are released when we exercise, which has the effect of lifting our mood, however if you are lacking in endorphins and suffering from depression it is incredibly hard to get motivated to do any activity – not only does this exacerbate the dip in the hormones that naturally help to lift and regulate mood, but it can lead to becoming over weight or less flexible. This in turn makes it hard to get motivated to be active and can also feed into self-critical thought patterns about appearance and fitness, further lowering self-esteem and increasing a tendency to depression.

“If all you can do is crawl, start crawling” ~ Rumi

It’s very easy for people on the outside of this cycle to say “well, just go for a walk or join a gym”, but for many people this can feel like a huge step. My recommendation is that for anyone starting out from a position of no, or very little activity – start small – don’t make a huge investment in memberships, equipment or sports gear, be considered and realistic about what you might find pleasurable. Whatever you choose needs to be achievable and sustainable. An example of this could even be a commitment to yourself to investigate activities that you’ve always fancied. You could ask friends or family what they do and how they started out. By bringing your intentions into a conversation you can feel more supported and likely to start something you are able to continue.

Some clients I’ve worked with have thought about what they’ve enjoyed doing in the past, maybe at school or university, and have joined a local netball team or dusted off their racket and signed up for tennis lessons. Others have wanted to do something where their achievement is more measurable such as progressing from walking to jogging and even completing a charity run. And still others have wanted to focus more directly on a mind body connection and have started yoga (sometimes following free guided youtube classes) or going for walks in places they find inspiring or beautiful. That may still feel too daunting – maybe getting off the bus stop a couple of stops earlier, walking to work, walking up stairs instead of taking the lift, or even having a bounce on the children’s trampoline may feel more attainable for now. The main thing is to make a commitment to yourself and for yourself to try and incorporate some kind of physical activity into your day-to day-life.

Sometimes a lack of motivation to exercise or take care of your physical body can be linked to feelings of low self worth, a sense that it’s not worth taking care of yourself or that taking the time to look after yourself physically is selfish. If this is something you notice about yourself it may be worth investigating the cause of this and considering counselling to unpack these destructive thought patterns.

Over the next couple of weeks I will be looking at the four other ways to mental well-being.

As ever, please do get in contact if you have any comments or questions, either directly or via social media – I can be found on Facebook and Instagram.

Why does counselling work?

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 07:53:49 GMT

[Originally posted: June 20th, 2018]

So, you’ve decided to take the plunge and go for counselling, and a little while down the line you think: I know what counselling is, I definitely feel better for coming here, but I don’t really understand why it works. Or sometimes I get clients saying: is counselling working for me, I actually feel worse than when I started out? In this post I thought I would outline the theory behind why counselling works. Why, for example, is there a difference between talking to a counsellor and chatting over concerns with a friend?

In an article in 2010, psychologist Jonathan Shedler looked at the effectiveness of Psychodynamic therapy (which is one of the approaches I use); he determines seven features of this kind of therapy that contribute to its efficacy:

…exploring emotions, examining avoidances, identifying recurring patterns, discussing past experiences, focusing on relationships, and examining the patient/therapist relationship.

However good a friend is, they will inevitably always have their own subconscious agenda; they may feel they know what is best for you, or try and distract you from emotions that they find difficult. Friendships are important, and a good counsellor will never try and replicate those. An effective therapeutic relationship however can offer an environment where difficult, taboo, sensitive subjects and emotions can be looked at without the client feeling that they might need to attend to their counsellor’s feelings or judgment (or if they do feel this need, exploring it can be an important part of the therapy!). Counselling can provide a safe space to recognise that certain thought patterns may no longer be based in reality, or that a negative voice in your head is that of a critical parent and no longer needs to be attended to in the same way. Relating childhood events and thinking about the relationship we had with our primary caregivers can play a key part in understanding how we have become the person we are today, and allows the counsellor to shine a light on patterns of behaviour or thoughts that are occurring outside of awareness.

Alongside an increase in self awareness, we now know that there are neurological changes that take place during therapy – the brain changes physically when exposed to new experiences – Dr. Dan Siegel explains neuroplasticity like this:

When we have a new experience or concentrate on something... that activates neural firing. In other words, neurons (our brain cells) spring into action. This neural firing leads to the production of proteins that enable new connections to be wired among the activated neurons...these new neural connections, created when we pay attention to something, in turn alter the way we respond to and interact with our world

(The Whole Brain Child, p.99)

So, by putting these two ideas together we can see that the counselling environment offers the opportunity to look at difficult emotions, ways of being or relationships that may have served well in the past but that no longer have a valid place in the future, and the unique qualities of the therapeutic space allow a client to think differently, repeatedly explore new options and notice unhelpful thought patterns, which can engender real change in the way that individual interacts with the world - thanks to the neuroplasticity of our remarkable brains!

So much for why counselling works…but how about why things sometimes feel worse before they get better? One analogy I like to use is of de-cluttering. I don’t know about you, but very often if I decide to have a good turn out of a room or a cupboard things often look worse to start with – boxes, clothes, packaging turned out into the middle of the room to be sorted through before deciding what to keep, what to get rid of, and where everything should be put back. Counselling can be a bit like this messy process – a kind of mental de-clutter – everything laid bare, exposed and examined before deciding what fits the “you” that you want to be. These decisions are often painful – something that’s been lurking at the back of our mental cupboard – examined for the first time in a while, can be emotional and raw and recognising that it’s a part of the past, or indeed needs to be a part of the present, can be destabilising for a period of time.

This change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes perseverance and commitment, but if you are undertaking counselling where the therapeutic relationship is one of trust, openness and exploration, there is potential for very real change.

Alongside this work it is important to look at ways to support yourself and boost your resilience, which is something I will be looking at in the coming weeks…

As ever, if you have any questions, please feel free to get in touch – either directly by email or phone, or on social media – you can find me on Facebook and Instagram.

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